Computing Definitions

Access Time: The time between the instant at which information is called for, and the instant at which management expects the final report.

Analog: what Ana tosses into the fire.

Assembler: One who drops his card deck.

Bandwidth: Limited by the size of the stage.

Bit: The increment by which programmers slowly go mad.

Breakpoint: The point at which programmer increments past last bit available.

Buffer: Programmer who works in the nude.

Chaining: A method of attaching programmers to desk, to speed up output.

Character density: Number of weird people in the office, divided by floor space.

Checkpoint: The location from which a programmer draws his salary.

Console: What one does to a depressed computer.

Copy protection: Wearing a condom.

Core storage: A receptacle for the center section of apples.

Counter: An area over which martini's are served.

Crash: What a detached programmer would dearly love to do, for at least eight hours.

Cursor: An expert in four-letter words.

Default: De line west of which de state of california will float off to sea at de next major quake.

Device: Medieval torture instrument such as thumbscrew, iron maiden.

DAT: The opposite of DIS.

Documentation: A manual which tells you how to use a program, system, or utility one version ago, and which is now unsupported.

E-mail: An on-line escort agency specialising in the provision of drugged men.

Error: What someone else has made when they disagree with your computer output.

Escape sequence: Distract guard. Dig tunnel. Cut through fence...

External Storage: Wastebasket.

Fixed Word Length: Four letter word used by programmers in a state of confusion.

Hardware: The parts of a computer that can be kicked or the nuts, bolts, and circuit boards "left over" after repairman has reassembled cpu.

Home computer: What you tell your computer when it follows you.

Hypertext: Text on amphetamines.

Ink jet: a plane used for sky writing.

I/O Device: Note you sign for the bank in/order to get loan for new (old) car.

Library: An organized collection of obsolete material.

Loop: See loop.

Low Order Position: The programmer's location in the chain of command.

Machine-Independent Program: A program which won’t run on any machine.

Mainframe: Primary person who just got set up for the blame of the system crash.

Microsecond: Amount of time needed for a program to bomb.

Modem: What the gardener did to the lawns.

Multi-sync: Can be sunk more than once.

Nanosecond: Measure of time on Mork's planet Ork.

Off-Line: Uncharitable remarks programmer makes to wife or husband upon being phoned at 9pm to come in because system just crashed.

On-Line: Programmer trying to deal rationally on phone with management at 9pm.

Password: The nonsense word taped to the side of you monitor.

Performance: A statement of the speed at which a computer system works or, rather, might work under certain circumstances, or was rumoured to be working about a month ago.

Peripheral: Now you see it, now you don't...

Printout: A document to verify data you know is wrong anyway.

Programmer: Red eyed mumbling mammal, capable of communicating with inanimate objects.

Source file: One which was "appropriated" from one of the competitors.

Switch: When management changes its mind.